Like many others, I've been thinking often about my expectations for 2020 and how this lack luster of a year has been anything close to my expectations. In March, coming out of what felt like a social hibernation from grieving my dear friend Lisa for most of the winter, I had huge expectations for the spring and summer. I was ready to rekindle friendships and spend oodles of time with my family at the lake. I was gaining my footing and making big plans to explore Vancouver with my husband and host dinner parties. And then overnight the world we knew literally stopped. Everyone in the world was trapped, isolated in their houses, scared of the unknown. How long would Covid last? Were we going to travel this summer? Could we actually get back to normal before the fall?
Each month our hopes were dashed and our expectations rejigged once again. I became more and more frustrated and angry because I couldn't control anything, besides the level of cleanliness in my house. It seemed every time I planned something it didn't happen. And I found myself so entrenched in grieving the way things used to be it was all I thought about. There were traditions not played out and it felt like I was suffocating under the weight of anxiety that grew from that.
Then out of no where something shifted. My mindset. I started a morning routine, inspired by my now fitness coach Anne Jones. And with every morning meditation, every morning affirmation, every piece of gratitude I started to surrender my expectations. I let go of how things were supposed to be and focused only on the day ahead. I stopped grasping for experiences from the past that I couldn't re-create and I stopped making plans for the future. I focused on the small things of the day and was grateful. I was getting good at that.
And then I stopped having expectations for people to have the same comfort level as myself when it came to Covid protocols. My husband and I are very cautious and leery when it comes to social activities and public spaces; our bubble is tiny and I'm okay with that. Some people spent the summer gallivanting across the country and that was their decision because of their comfort level. And at the time it really bothered me, but now I let that go. I can't force my expectations on someone else much like they can't on me. And I started to learn to control my reactions to things since I couldn't control everything or everyone.
But with summer gone and back to work, which is a whole new level of emotions, I'm finding myself once again struggling with the need to control everything and it's exhausting. I'm placing unrealistic expectations on myself to be the perfect teacher, wife, friend, colleague and family member. I'm having to relearn the lesson to surrender my control and expectations. And know that it is okay to be not okay. And that I am enough and I am worthy. And that I can only focus on today and give up the expectations from the past and future.
Who knows where we will be by the end of 2020 but at least I have today and that makes me happy.
