Can Mothers of Young Children Be Close Friends with Childfree Women?

I want to start off by saying this post is not intended to blame or offend anyone; its just a topic that is dear to my heart and something I feel that needs to be shared.

For over a year now I've wanted to write a piece about being childfree and how it has effected my friendships, especially with the women in my life who've chosen motherhood as a vocation.  My hesitation to blog about it and make my experience public lends to the fact that it emotional for me.  However after mulling it over and finally talking about it with both moms and non -moms alike, it is apparent that the question "can moms of young children be close friends with childfree women?" needs to be asked.

To simply answer the question, the immediate response would be 'no'.  Of course there are exceptions to every rule and not every one experiences are the same.  I, like other childfree women in their mid 30's to early 40's, find it hard to maintain a close, meaningful friendship with women who are mothers to young children. And from what I've been told about mothers who are are going through their first few years of parenthood is that "they are so wrapped up in being a good mom, just surviving it all that they tend to spend their time with other moms.  Not that they don't want to be friends with childfree women; it's just hard to find the time to maintain a close relationship with them."  This was explained to me by a few mothers who have experienced it all.  

I have friends of all sorts and I'd have to say the ones I'm closest to right now are parents of teens and the pre-moms.  These are women who don't have children yet but want them someday soon. Right now it is easy to maintain a friendship with them even with our busy lives.  Be that as it may, I know what will probably happen to our friendships after they become mothers. We can pretend it won't happen and try our best to be close, but the truth of the matter is our close bond will weaken.  How do I know this? Well it has happened to me more often than I'd like to think about.  I used to be a part of a fabulous group of  five women, and we were all very close friends.  One of them was my best friend.  We all hung out all the time enjoying girls' nights, movie dates, and just plain gabbing over the phone.  I knew them inside and out, and them me.  I always thought we'd be close friends.  Then one by one they decided to become mothers, except for me.  Even though we tried to remain close my bonds with them have gone to the wayside.

I still think of them as friends but our closeness is not there.  They have grown together as mothers and have bonded over labour stories and child rearing; things that I can't share.  And when we get together as a group I feel like I'm a stranger with them. Besides our same profession we don't have much in common any more.  The topics we used to discuss, like our significant others, books, hobbies, travel, seem to have taken a back seat to daycare worries and bedtime routines.  Now they have become more like colleagues rather than close friends, which isn't a bad thing. And I don't blame them as they are only doing what is natural to them right now. They need to bond with other mothers.  They also may not realize it has happened.  I take part of the blame as I tend to make plans that aren't child-friendly, so I'm sure its hard for them to participate.  It's just a tough pill for me to swallow.

To me it's like a break up.  I've lost relationships, and no matter what they can never be the same again. Even when their kids grow up we won't have the same dynamic.  Most people advise me by saying to wait a few years when the kids get older you will get your friends back. Like we are in a pseudo long- distance relationship. And we all know how those turn out.... I've only had one friend come back from the trenches of motherhood and we are still rebuilding.

So here is what I've learned from all of this:  I couldn't grow with my group of five and that was my choice. And as much as I understand they are busy right now, it still doesn't make it easier because I miss them.  I miss who they used to be when they too were childfree.

I've also realized that I need to make some childfree friends to help keep balance in my life.  I love the friends I have; it just would be nice to have a childfree Allie or two.

And the last thing I've learned is if both mothers and non-mothers want to keep their friendship going it takes work on both sides.  It can't ever be one sided; just like a marriage there has to be compromise.

Though this has been a tough epiphany to realize, I would never change my mind about not being a mother.  I know when I hit my 40's things will get easier.  I guess being childfree does have some draw backs, it's not all roses and wine on this side of the divide.

When Was the Last Time You Spent Time Alone?

As a few of my friends have been travelling to far off destinations where passports and jet lag are certainties; words are lost in translation; and epic photographs are being taken of landscapes that can only be described as pastoral paintings brought to the digital age, I am staying within the confines of my beautiful province.
Now I have to admit I wore a shade of green when they told me about their travel plans to Europe- I've always wanted to go. However after four glorious, sun filled days here in Shuswap, my shade of green has dissipated for now. For right now I do believe this will be my second summer highlight (first was our anniversary celebrations)

During these four days I spent time in perfect solitude- me, myself and Triggs. Besides a few play sessions and feeding the dog you would never know I had one, as he slept most of the time (granted with a fur coat and the average temp of 32 degrees, I think I'd sleep too).

When Scott suggested I stay at the cabin after our "anniversarymoon" by myself to really enjoy a whole week at the cabin I immediately said "yes".  The next day as I watched his truck drive away I had a slight twinge of regret. What was I thinking? Stay at the cabin all by myself with no one in sight? With no vehicle or real access to emergancy services I had to admit I became a little shaken. What if an animal attacked me or Triggs? What if I ran out of supplies or heaven forbid WINE? What if I got bored or lonely? Then I looked out at the gorgeous view of lake and took a deep breath; I'd be fine.

At first I was also unsure how I'd handle this much time alone without another person to talk to.  I haven't had this much time to myself since my single summer days back in 2008, and even then I had close friends to chat with on the phone for hours. Up at the cabin cell service can be tricky and also expensive. We also don't have WiFi or a TV, so entertainment was limited to reading, listening to the radio, or just relaxing.  Now I will admit I could hook up to 3G on my phone so I'd dabble on FB for a bit, but not as much as I normally do.

But before I knew it time was flying by, and in the end the isolation and quiet, without real distractions, had a profound affect on me.  I found that I wasn't stressed in the least, even when there was evidently a large animal in the bush the second night here. Triggs barked at it from the deck and it took off, so I now know I had some tough security. My sleeping habits returned to normal, and I found myself eating less. I discovered that a walk to the beach and a swim was more than enough cardio.

So how did I pass my time? For me time at the lake had no meaning.  By myself I could truly listen to my body rhythms.  I'd simply ask myself what I wanted to do and I did it.  Besides reading a lot of Cottage magazines, and a novel, I got in the habit of actually watching the wildlife right out my front
door- birds collecting twigs and such off the ground; squirrels gathering pinecones and chattering at Triggs; and a doe cooling in the shade of the fire hall across the street.  By the end of day four I knew the time by the sun.  I pondered questions about the universe and nature.

can you spot the deer?

My biggest pastime at the cabin was writing.  When summer started I went gung-ho with
writing my novel again after a break.  When I read it cover to cover I soon found myself falling out of love with my book baby.  I hated it; I almost deleted it. Luckily I held off and with no distractions and the mountain air I found my muse and writing groove again. If it wasn't for being at the lake then who knows what might have become of my 102,978 word -baby?

Another neat thing about staying here alone was that I could wear what I liked without judgement. The only down side to that was when an occasional visitor popped by to check on me.  I was a tiny bit embarrassed about wearing PJ pants, a tank top, a pair of socks with crocks in the early evening.  But I just pretended that was normal, as hey, I'm at the lake, which means no fashion police! I'm free as a bird!

Now that I'm home again I've realized this experience was one that everyone should try- spending more than 48 hrs alone, without access to the digital world.  Unplug and listen instead to the wind and patterns of everyday life.  It makes you appreciate how wonderful the world is around you.  More importantly it allows you to get to know yourself.  You can find clarity in your thoughts and hopefully come to some epiphanies.  I know I had a few, but I'll keep them to myself for now.

Just imagine going on vacation alone.... how would you spend your time?