Can Mothers of Young Children Be Close Friends with Childfree Women?

I want to start off by saying this post is not intended to blame or offend anyone; its just a topic that is dear to my heart and something I feel that needs to be shared.

For over a year now I've wanted to write a piece about being childfree and how it has effected my friendships, especially with the women in my life who've chosen motherhood as a vocation.  My hesitation to blog about it and make my experience public lends to the fact that it emotional for me.  However after mulling it over and finally talking about it with both moms and non -moms alike, it is apparent that the question "can moms of young children be close friends with childfree women?" needs to be asked.

To simply answer the question, the immediate response would be 'no'.  Of course there are exceptions to every rule and not every one experiences are the same.  I, like other childfree women in their mid 30's to early 40's, find it hard to maintain a close, meaningful friendship with women who are mothers to young children. And from what I've been told about mothers who are are going through their first few years of parenthood is that "they are so wrapped up in being a good mom, just surviving it all that they tend to spend their time with other moms.  Not that they don't want to be friends with childfree women; it's just hard to find the time to maintain a close relationship with them."  This was explained to me by a few mothers who have experienced it all.  

I have friends of all sorts and I'd have to say the ones I'm closest to right now are parents of teens and the pre-moms.  These are women who don't have children yet but want them someday soon. Right now it is easy to maintain a friendship with them even with our busy lives.  Be that as it may, I know what will probably happen to our friendships after they become mothers. We can pretend it won't happen and try our best to be close, but the truth of the matter is our close bond will weaken.  How do I know this? Well it has happened to me more often than I'd like to think about.  I used to be a part of a fabulous group of  five women, and we were all very close friends.  One of them was my best friend.  We all hung out all the time enjoying girls' nights, movie dates, and just plain gabbing over the phone.  I knew them inside and out, and them me.  I always thought we'd be close friends.  Then one by one they decided to become mothers, except for me.  Even though we tried to remain close my bonds with them have gone to the wayside.

I still think of them as friends but our closeness is not there.  They have grown together as mothers and have bonded over labour stories and child rearing; things that I can't share.  And when we get together as a group I feel like I'm a stranger with them. Besides our same profession we don't have much in common any more.  The topics we used to discuss, like our significant others, books, hobbies, travel, seem to have taken a back seat to daycare worries and bedtime routines.  Now they have become more like colleagues rather than close friends, which isn't a bad thing. And I don't blame them as they are only doing what is natural to them right now. They need to bond with other mothers.  They also may not realize it has happened.  I take part of the blame as I tend to make plans that aren't child-friendly, so I'm sure its hard for them to participate.  It's just a tough pill for me to swallow.

To me it's like a break up.  I've lost relationships, and no matter what they can never be the same again. Even when their kids grow up we won't have the same dynamic.  Most people advise me by saying to wait a few years when the kids get older you will get your friends back. Like we are in a pseudo long- distance relationship. And we all know how those turn out.... I've only had one friend come back from the trenches of motherhood and we are still rebuilding.

So here is what I've learned from all of this:  I couldn't grow with my group of five and that was my choice. And as much as I understand they are busy right now, it still doesn't make it easier because I miss them.  I miss who they used to be when they too were childfree.

I've also realized that I need to make some childfree friends to help keep balance in my life.  I love the friends I have; it just would be nice to have a childfree Allie or two.

And the last thing I've learned is if both mothers and non-mothers want to keep their friendship going it takes work on both sides.  It can't ever be one sided; just like a marriage there has to be compromise.

Though this has been a tough epiphany to realize, I would never change my mind about not being a mother.  I know when I hit my 40's things will get easier.  I guess being childfree does have some draw backs, it's not all roses and wine on this side of the divide.

When Was the Last Time You Spent Time Alone?

As a few of my friends have been travelling to far off destinations where passports and jet lag are certainties; words are lost in translation; and epic photographs are being taken of landscapes that can only be described as pastoral paintings brought to the digital age, I am staying within the confines of my beautiful province.
Now I have to admit I wore a shade of green when they told me about their travel plans to Europe- I've always wanted to go. However after four glorious, sun filled days here in Shuswap, my shade of green has dissipated for now. For right now I do believe this will be my second summer highlight (first was our anniversary celebrations)

During these four days I spent time in perfect solitude- me, myself and Triggs. Besides a few play sessions and feeding the dog you would never know I had one, as he slept most of the time (granted with a fur coat and the average temp of 32 degrees, I think I'd sleep too).

When Scott suggested I stay at the cabin after our "anniversarymoon" by myself to really enjoy a whole week at the cabin I immediately said "yes".  The next day as I watched his truck drive away I had a slight twinge of regret. What was I thinking? Stay at the cabin all by myself with no one in sight? With no vehicle or real access to emergancy services I had to admit I became a little shaken. What if an animal attacked me or Triggs? What if I ran out of supplies or heaven forbid WINE? What if I got bored or lonely? Then I looked out at the gorgeous view of lake and took a deep breath; I'd be fine.

At first I was also unsure how I'd handle this much time alone without another person to talk to.  I haven't had this much time to myself since my single summer days back in 2008, and even then I had close friends to chat with on the phone for hours. Up at the cabin cell service can be tricky and also expensive. We also don't have WiFi or a TV, so entertainment was limited to reading, listening to the radio, or just relaxing.  Now I will admit I could hook up to 3G on my phone so I'd dabble on FB for a bit, but not as much as I normally do.

But before I knew it time was flying by, and in the end the isolation and quiet, without real distractions, had a profound affect on me.  I found that I wasn't stressed in the least, even when there was evidently a large animal in the bush the second night here. Triggs barked at it from the deck and it took off, so I now know I had some tough security. My sleeping habits returned to normal, and I found myself eating less. I discovered that a walk to the beach and a swim was more than enough cardio.

So how did I pass my time? For me time at the lake had no meaning.  By myself I could truly listen to my body rhythms.  I'd simply ask myself what I wanted to do and I did it.  Besides reading a lot of Cottage magazines, and a novel, I got in the habit of actually watching the wildlife right out my front
door- birds collecting twigs and such off the ground; squirrels gathering pinecones and chattering at Triggs; and a doe cooling in the shade of the fire hall across the street.  By the end of day four I knew the time by the sun.  I pondered questions about the universe and nature.

can you spot the deer?

My biggest pastime at the cabin was writing.  When summer started I went gung-ho with
writing my novel again after a break.  When I read it cover to cover I soon found myself falling out of love with my book baby.  I hated it; I almost deleted it. Luckily I held off and with no distractions and the mountain air I found my muse and writing groove again. If it wasn't for being at the lake then who knows what might have become of my 102,978 word -baby?

Another neat thing about staying here alone was that I could wear what I liked without judgement. The only down side to that was when an occasional visitor popped by to check on me.  I was a tiny bit embarrassed about wearing PJ pants, a tank top, a pair of socks with crocks in the early evening.  But I just pretended that was normal, as hey, I'm at the lake, which means no fashion police! I'm free as a bird!

Now that I'm home again I've realized this experience was one that everyone should try- spending more than 48 hrs alone, without access to the digital world.  Unplug and listen instead to the wind and patterns of everyday life.  It makes you appreciate how wonderful the world is around you.  More importantly it allows you to get to know yourself.  You can find clarity in your thoughts and hopefully come to some epiphanies.  I know I had a few, but I'll keep them to myself for now.

Just imagine going on vacation alone.... how would you spend your time?

"Paper Anniversary"

Scott and I celebrated 365 days of wedded bliss on July 23rd. Well I'd be lying if I said everyday has been picture perfect, as there has been some mere moments of frustration in our first year of marriage, but nothing serious. They say your first year of marriage is the toughest, if this is true then I really will have an easy time with mine. Naw, I'm not that naive, as this isn't my "first rodeo". Both Scott and I know the mistakes we made the first time around with our exes, so with lessons learned we work hard to ensure our relationship is as solid as possible.  Time together, effective communication, and a sense of humour go a long way in creating a happy marriage. Of course there are other things that help- love, patience and some romance to keep the zsa -zsa- zsu going.

So when I mentioned to Scott I wanted to do something special for our anniversary I was just expecting him to take me out for a fine dinner; I never expected a five day celebration for just the two of us. Lately, any time with Scott is precious as he has started a new business.  Anyone who owns their own business and is successful knows it takes a lot of time to get things off the ground. So when Scott proposed a trip to my parents' cabin in Shuswap for 4 days it reminded me of his love and commitment he has for me.

We decided to take off for our anniverarymoon the morning after our "Shakespeare in the Vineyard" event. The first day of our five day celebration was spent at Township 7 Winery in Langley. The evening was magical- much as I suspected Shakespeare would want it. We dined on a home-made picnic of BLT sandwiches, grapes, cheese and of course a bottle of Syrah from the Township. We sat in amongst the vines enjoying our feast. Then when the sun sunk behind the trees, we procured seats in the open-air theatre, ready to watch the hilarious comedy, "Comedy of Errors". Over the course of two hours we laughed and drank wine until it was time to go home.

The next morning we took off for the next four days to my parents' cabin in true comfort and style. Now for those of you who have seen this place you know there is almost every thing to make your stay very pleasant: a screened in porch; a large deck with a view of the lake; comfy beds :); and modern conveniences of a dishwasher and laundry room. It is also located across from the golf course, which is bonus for Scott!Oh don't forget the wine!

During these days our regular schedules fell to the wayside and we lived how I'm sure we are supposed to- just by our biological clock. We slept when tired, we ate when hungry, and did as we pleased. One of the childfree perks is that we could focus on each other and indulge our every whim without worrying about anyone else. What did it matter if we ate dinner at 9:00 pm or napped at 2:00 in the afternoon?

We had fires in the evenings and enjoyed literally the best two bottles of our entire lives thus far: A Pinot Noir from Gehringer Brothers Estate Winery called "Optimum", and Church and State's "Quintessential". Both from the Okanagan Valley.  We ate exquisite meals that Scott cooked the majority of- grilled salmon with a blueberry balsamic sauce, parmesan corn, and this mouthwatering burger, are just some samples off the menu.

What I cherished the most of these days was just having uninterrupted time with Scott. He told me that we should celebrate our anniversary like this every year. I agree. It was more than I could have asked for on our "Paper Anniversary"

These Are My "Kids"

As the school year winds down and I am putting my classroom back in order I notice the little reminders of my students displayed about- "after test" drawings stuck on the filing cabinet; a declaration of "We Love You Mrs Freeman" on the board; and two cards from senior students thanking me for making an "impact" in their lives.  These tangible items make me smile and I can almost hear their energy laden voices filling the empty space.  Being completely burnt out I am relieved this year has been put- to- bed, so to speak, but part of me is saddened too.  It's funny, you never know how much students contribute to your life until they are gone; meaning while you teach them day in and day out you don't recognize how much a part of you they are until the year is done.  Now granted there are a few I'm glad to see go, but even then those challenging ones stick with you.

This June in particular has been a bittersweet time for me as I have come to realize how much certain students have impacted my life and left imprints in me; some of these students I will hopefully see again in the years to come.  On the last day of classes I told my Eng 9 classes they are my next set of babies who will graduate in the coming years.  My 9's this time around were my champions everyday; no matter how crazy they were in period 4 they made me laugh- I could have been having the worst day and in mere moments they would have me smiling again.  It has been a long time since I had such a connection with a particular group of teenagers.  The last time was four years ago, when I taught a fantastic group of 9's, who left the nest.  When I watched them walk across the stage my heart filled with the type of pride a parent would feel. Though I can't say for sure as I don't have kids myself, I'm sure my feelings of pride are very similar to a parent's, just not as magnified.  I have spent the last four years watching this group grow and mature into fine, young adults.  These are the sweet bits

Bitter or grief is the other half of the equation for me this year.  In the past year I have had two former students pass away.  My overwhelming reaction to the news of their deaths took me by surprise, for I didn't know then how much they had meant to me.  The first was a student I had only taught one year, but it was a memorable one.  2005/2006 was my first school year at Sullivan and this kid's graduating year.  Since he was in my senior acting class he was able to attend our Performing Arts New York trip that spring. This student had never flown on a plane nor been away from his family.  One might think he would have been nervous; if he was, it never showed, as his confident exterior and good natured humour shined bright posing in front of the Statue of Liberty and having the time of his life.  During our trip we visited the United Nations building, and while there he asked "how do people work at the UN?" Something must have struck a cord with him as he did end up working for the UN.  Sadly, while residing and working in Chile, he met his accidental death this past January.  It's hard to believe this remarkable young man is gone.

My other student passed away this June after a 8 month battle with leukemia.  She had graduated three years ago, and I still remember our conversation at her "dinner and dance".  All dressed up, looking very mature, she told me how excited she was to be finally able to start working toward her dream of becoming a youth care worker or counsellor for troubled youth.  It was a career path I knew she'd be good at, since she could empathize with these teens.  I met her in 2005 in my grade 9 dance/drama class.  Her tough attitude boded well for her as she secured a role as a "pink lady" in our production of Grease.  She was reluctant at first, but after awhile I caught her smiling and enjoying herself.  As the years went on she was a familiar face in my English classes, and from there we were able to develop a strong rapport with one another.  I'll never forget her smile and larger than life laugh that could fill a room and more.  This amazing young woman left us too soon.

Both of these students will remain in my heart for years to come.  People say it must be sad that I don't have children of my own, but I don't think so.  In my mind I am a surrogate parent to many of my students; I not only teach them, but I also worry about them and feel pride like a parent when they succeed.  These are my "kids". I wonder what next year will bring?

My Picture Perfect Imperfect Self

"There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself;comfortable in her perfect imperfection.  To me, that is the true essence of beauty"- Steve Maraboli.

I know I'm not a model in any shape or form, but for one day in April I got to embrace my inner goddess and feel picture perfect.  Over the years I somehow formed a rather negative self image and it wasn't uncommon for me to berate myself for not having a flat stomach or perfectly toned thighs.  Even when I lost a remarkable 23 pounds this past winter, I still didn't feel perfect enough.  My husband thought this was ridiculous as he sees me as simply stunning.  He loves my curves and soft skin.  He says he can't get enough of my smile and laugh.

So when I won a "modern glam" photo shoot through http://sexandthesuburb.com/, a site featuring life in the Fraser Valley, and the fabulousness of being a woman, I was ecstatic!  Here was my opportunity to look and feel truly amazing and capture it in print forever.  On April 13th 2013, I grabbed my bag of outfits I chose for the shoot and headed into Vancouver to meet with Tobin and Sarah Smith, the amazing husband and wife team of http://www.photobinphotography.com/.  I had to admit I was a little anxious as I had never done this type of thing before.  And add the fact that I planned to mix in a few boudoir shots into the session, I wasn't exactly sure how comfortable I'd be in lingerie in front of strangers.
 

The pair of Siamese fighting fish battling in my stomach that misty morning were quickly subdued once I met Sarah on the steps of pho Tobin studio.  Sarah's welcoming demeanour made me feel right at home in the cozy studio.  After helping me unpack my bag, Sarah and Tobin both excitedly looked over my clothing selection, which made me feel good about my choices.  Then Tobin immediately went into "photographer mode" and started planning the shoot, while Sarah started to transform me.  I was instructed to not wear any make-up nor do anything to my hair, as Sarah wanted a clean canvas to work her magic.  This was no big deal to me as I normally don't wear make-up during the day anyway.

90 minutes later Sarah placed me in front of the mirror and for the first time in my life I didn't recognize the woman reflected back at me.  I think I literally asked "who is that?", which now seems like a silly question, as of course it was me.  My hair was done in these sexy curls and my make-up, which I thought would be overly done, was elegant and sleek.  Sarah's vision for all her clients is to enhance the natural beauty that already exists.  All women have incredible eyes I learned, so that is the feature that needs to be accentuated; my eyes never looked so alive.

Now it was picture time.  I started off in a black wrap dress.  Once again the fish fluttered.  I was unsure of how I'd do as a model, as this was out of my realm of normalcy.  However with Tobin's comfortable ease about himself, not to mention the fact he tells the best knock knock jokes, I was laughing and having a fabulous time acting like a model.  When it came time to do the boudoir pictures I didn't feel as self conscious as I thought I would.  I was actually comfortable in my own skin and felt confident and sexy.  Feeling very empowered, I left their studio knowing I truly was beautiful, and that I need to remember that everyday.  So as a reminder I have some portraits up on my bedroom wall of my imperfect, perfect self.

Looking back on this experience I see how valuable it was for me to do this.  It has boasted my self confidence so much.  I truly believe every woman should do this at least once in her life, as Tobin and Sarah from http://www.photobinphotography.com/ really do "transcend the everyday. " 

Just a Couple of D.I.N.KS in Cuba

With sand still surfacing around our house from our trip this spring break to Cuba, I am reminded of a time of no stress and worry.  It seemed as though as soon as our plane landed back in Vancouver the worries I was able to leave behind for an entire week resurfaced to play havoc once again.  So on this very rainy Sunday afternoon I'm trying to transform my mind and shift back to the best vacation a couple of D.I.N.KS could have....

We left a torrent of rain behind on the evening of March 20th and we were strolling down the picturesque beach of Cayo Santa Maria by late afternoon the next day.  It seemed that as soon as we stepped foot out of our runners and into flip flops the worries of our everyday lives drifted away on the Caribbean breeze.  Scott and I hadn't been on a  "real" vacation to a hot destination in over three years, and the last time we were both very sick.  So with zest and zeal we took our Cuban resort by storm and created a fantastic child


free vacation (well as childfree as we could, since there were kids at the resort).  But somehow we were able to avoid the noisy, screaming throngs for most of our stay.

We spent hours at the white, powder beach soaking up the sun and fresh sea air, and the sound of the crashing waves overpowered any disturbances that might befall us.  During our first encounter in the azure ocean I swiftly learned that the waves are powerful and will knock you head over heels if one is not careful.  But with some time I mastered wave jumping.  Snorkeling was another activity that both Scott and I love to partake in.  We tried some at our beach, but the best coral reefs were found in the middle of the ocean on our catamaran excursion.  We swam through multiple schools of fish, and Scott was poked by a grouper who felt he as getting in his way, I suppose.  Other times you'd find us by the quiet poolside, as our pool seemed to be occupied by more adults.  

The evenings were when we ate late, as to avoid any rush, and then saunter over to the theatre bar and sidle up on to stools as though we were on a date.  Sipping wine or champagne, while we watched the entertainment from afar, as we rehashed the day's events, were the best times.  And to top it off, every night, we'd sneak a bottle of wine down onto the beach and snuggle up on to a white beach chair to watch the waves roll in.  It was so romantic.  One night we walked by another couple in their late 60's doing the same and I thought to myself "one day that will be us."

Besides just spending quality time with Scott, it was the fact we had no schedule or responsibilities.  We ate when hungry, slept when tired and did as we pleased.  What we didn't realize was how truly lucky we are to be childfree, especially on vacation.  Naturally, most of our daily lives we take for granted that we don't have children to mind.  On vacation we had a bit of a wake up call, as we had front row seats a few times to witness how much time and effort children are, especially if they are really young and need you for everything.  I can't imagine how frustrating it would be, if you were actually relaxing, then to have to get up and tend to the need of a three year old.  We met one couple who had their 10 year old daughter with them and you could tell how annoyed they were that every 10 minutes she was badgering them to play with her in the pool, when all they wanted to do was relax and read for a bit.  It almost made me feel guilty that I didn't have to worry about that.  My only concern was did I have enough sun screen on, and from my burn it was evident that I wasn't as concerned as I should have been. :)

Now back in reality I find myself trying to conjure the memory of the scent and sound of that breathtaking ocean, and in that memory realize how truly blessed we are to be able to vacation somewhere so beautiful.  We really do have a charmed life as D.I.N.KS. 

Did you just call me a P.A.N.K?

I have been called many things in my life, some I'm proud of and others I'm astounded by, but being a PANK, well that takes the cake.  I came across this term just recently when my mom said that I'm such a PANK.  Dumbfounded as I've never heard of this, she chuckled and said "you are a Professional Aunt No Kids".  I laughed and wholeheartedly agreed.  But before I could label myself this I had to do some research about the label and what I found excited me.  There is a whole society of professional women, who do not have children, either by choice or circumstance, but love to spoil their nieces and nephews.  

The first person who came to mind when considering this word was my own aunt, my inspiration on how to be a good aunt- Rhonda.  For over 35 years Rhonda has been a part of my life and I have always looked up to her.  As a childfree, business woman she has lived what I thought growing up was a glamorous life- a cool apartment in English Bay, wearing stylish clothes and driving a fancy car.  Now though she has bought me and my sister nice things, it is the memories of our time together that I remember and cherish the most.  She was able to do "cool things" with us that only an aunt can do.  One time she took me to the opening ceremonies for Expo '86, and I got to see Lady Diana.  I was so trilled.  I still remember sitting in Rhonda's car talking about how neat it would be to marry Prince William.  For Christmas it was a tradition for my sister and I to sleep over at her place and decorate the tree and watch movies.  It was my aunt Rhonda who took me to get my ears pierced when I was 8, and the one who understood when I separated from my ex-husband at 30.  She has always been there as fine example of what a PANK should be- fun, exciting and a good ear to listen.  So now that I have two nieces of my own I try to think how Rhonda would things and then try that with my own spin.

As soon as Tyla was born I fell instantly in love with those blue eyes and wanted to be the best aunt in the world.  I took my job seriously trying my best to help out my sister when Tyla was a baby, even though I had no clue how to put a onesie on her or how to heat up formula.  Those tasks I struggled with but I knew how to make her laugh and comfort her when she cried.  I bravely babysat her over night when she was 6 months old.  This turned out to be the longest night ever, as she literally cried the whole time until she fell asleep in the middle of my bed at about 2 a.m.  So I stayed up all night watching her sleep afraid to wake her up if I moved her to her playpen.  I knew from that night on, I should stick to day time activities with my niece.

As the years went on I settled into my role as aunt.  My job was simple, have fun with her, be a stand in mom when my sister was away, and create memories filled with wonder and love.  As she gets older I find it easier to bond with  her.  For example on her sixth birthday I took her out for a "girlie day".  We got dressed up and went for lunch at Olive Garden- her choice.  Then we went shopping for her gift.  Now being a PANK it is my job to spoil my nieces, so when I asked Tyla what she wanted she replied with a piece of jewellery from Claires.  Now I know that costume jewellery  isn't necessarily luxury, but to a six year old it was like going to Tiffany's.  As we stepped over the threshold of the brightly decorated store, I told Tyla pick whatever you like.  Once I said the words I almost regretted them as now I was in the place where I really couldn't say no to whatever she chose.  After humming and hawing, and examining everything in the store, she chose an elaborate, rhinestone tiara. "A girl after her aunts own heart", I gleamed to myself.  I knew it was a ridiculous choice for a 6 year old, as the sales lady gave me this "really you are that kind of mom." look.  I smiled and thought to myself, "no I'm that kind of aunt."

Now that Emry is here I'm trying to build a close bond with her too.  When she was born I fell hard again and wanted to hold her for so long, or until she screamed and wanted her mom.  I call her little "em" as I'm big "M".  At a young age of 2.5 years old she a fire cracker.  On my last visit to Drayton Valley, their new residence, I tried to split my time between both nieces.  Tyla wanted to paint nails and show me how she can ride a bike.  Her sidekick wanted to do the same of course, but also wanted to spend hours reading books and creating works of art.  Since Em is young she doesn't understand the value of money, but what she does get is time and attention.  That is a gift that both girls strive for when we spend time together.  What makes me happy is that I have lots of attention to give and hopefully one day I can afford to give them opportunities and experiences that will last forever. One of my goals is to take them to Disneyland.  And one day maybe I can help with University or be a place to stay when they need a break from small town living.

In the meantime I try to bridge the physical gap with text messaging and Facetime with Tyla and having "little chats" with Emry on the phone.  Hopefully they see me as the aunt I try to be.  I love them so very much.