Can Mothers of Young Children Be Close Friends with Childfree Women?

I want to start off by saying this post is not intended to blame or offend anyone; its just a topic that is dear to my heart and something I feel that needs to be shared.

For over a year now I've wanted to write a piece about being childfree and how it has effected my friendships, especially with the women in my life who've chosen motherhood as a vocation.  My hesitation to blog about it and make my experience public lends to the fact that it emotional for me.  However after mulling it over and finally talking about it with both moms and non -moms alike, it is apparent that the question "can moms of young children be close friends with childfree women?" needs to be asked.

To simply answer the question, the immediate response would be 'no'.  Of course there are exceptions to every rule and not every one experiences are the same.  I, like other childfree women in their mid 30's to early 40's, find it hard to maintain a close, meaningful friendship with women who are mothers to young children. And from what I've been told about mothers who are are going through their first few years of parenthood is that "they are so wrapped up in being a good mom, just surviving it all that they tend to spend their time with other moms.  Not that they don't want to be friends with childfree women; it's just hard to find the time to maintain a close relationship with them."  This was explained to me by a few mothers who have experienced it all.  

I have friends of all sorts and I'd have to say the ones I'm closest to right now are parents of teens and the pre-moms.  These are women who don't have children yet but want them someday soon. Right now it is easy to maintain a friendship with them even with our busy lives.  Be that as it may, I know what will probably happen to our friendships after they become mothers. We can pretend it won't happen and try our best to be close, but the truth of the matter is our close bond will weaken.  How do I know this? Well it has happened to me more often than I'd like to think about.  I used to be a part of a fabulous group of  five women, and we were all very close friends.  One of them was my best friend.  We all hung out all the time enjoying girls' nights, movie dates, and just plain gabbing over the phone.  I knew them inside and out, and them me.  I always thought we'd be close friends.  Then one by one they decided to become mothers, except for me.  Even though we tried to remain close my bonds with them have gone to the wayside.

I still think of them as friends but our closeness is not there.  They have grown together as mothers and have bonded over labour stories and child rearing; things that I can't share.  And when we get together as a group I feel like I'm a stranger with them. Besides our same profession we don't have much in common any more.  The topics we used to discuss, like our significant others, books, hobbies, travel, seem to have taken a back seat to daycare worries and bedtime routines.  Now they have become more like colleagues rather than close friends, which isn't a bad thing. And I don't blame them as they are only doing what is natural to them right now. They need to bond with other mothers.  They also may not realize it has happened.  I take part of the blame as I tend to make plans that aren't child-friendly, so I'm sure its hard for them to participate.  It's just a tough pill for me to swallow.

To me it's like a break up.  I've lost relationships, and no matter what they can never be the same again. Even when their kids grow up we won't have the same dynamic.  Most people advise me by saying to wait a few years when the kids get older you will get your friends back. Like we are in a pseudo long- distance relationship. And we all know how those turn out.... I've only had one friend come back from the trenches of motherhood and we are still rebuilding.

So here is what I've learned from all of this:  I couldn't grow with my group of five and that was my choice. And as much as I understand they are busy right now, it still doesn't make it easier because I miss them.  I miss who they used to be when they too were childfree.

I've also realized that I need to make some childfree friends to help keep balance in my life.  I love the friends I have; it just would be nice to have a childfree Allie or two.

And the last thing I've learned is if both mothers and non-mothers want to keep their friendship going it takes work on both sides.  It can't ever be one sided; just like a marriage there has to be compromise.

Though this has been a tough epiphany to realize, I would never change my mind about not being a mother.  I know when I hit my 40's things will get easier.  I guess being childfree does have some draw backs, it's not all roses and wine on this side of the divide.