The Wallflower Learns to Slightly Peel Herself Off The Sidelines

Lately I've been doing a lot of soul -searching and trying to figure out who I am and just being comfortable in my own skin.  With the help of a life coach I have begun to accept myself and push myself at the same time to become the person I want to be.  The latter months of 2013 proved to be more than stressful on my marriage and myself and I needed to get control.  When I started my journey with my life coach I didn't know the emotional impact it would have on me.  I had to ask myself some tough questions and my answers were tough pills to swallow.  The biggest realization for me was that I have a tough time asking for help partly because I don't want to be a burden on other people.  And not getting what I need is a result of that.  In addition to that I learned fear of the unknown and being out of control are learned conditions I have lived in for years. Then if you add the fact I am a shy and introverted person, it takes a lot for me to do things that seem easy or normal for a lot of people, such as: asking a store -clerk for help; driving to a place I've never been before; or trying a new activity.  These simple activities take a lot of self- talk and can be exhausting to think about so sometimes it's easier to not do them.

So after some sessions, which ended in January, and a big commitment to change on my part, I have been able to gain control and set goals for myself to be a more confident and extroverted person.  This better version of myself is crucial for my goals of getting in shape, living a more balanced life and the biggest one- publishing my book.

During this process I also discovered that introvert is not a bad word.  Growing up in a society that values extroverted people and choosing an extroverted  profession in education I had to become more extroverted in my professional realm, and sometimes in my social realm too.  But the truth is, I love being an introvert.  For the longest time guilt or moments of social awkwardness reigned over me as I felt the need to be an extrovert as that is "the norm", and not how I want to be.  Many people perceive you as being strange in a social setting to sit back and take in the scene.  Looking back now, I see that my dad is an introvert and when I observe him he sits quietly and then chimes in when the moment is right.  My natural response is to the same but I also can't stand the silence that can build in a conversation with a stranger, so I spend time before a big social gathering preparing questions to ask new people I meet to help keep the conversation going.  It can be tiring.

I also realize that I enjoy spending time in solitude.  My perfect weekend is just me and the novel I'm reading or the one I'm working on.  I also love just being alone with my thoughts.  My best creative ideas come from strolling in the wilderness, alone.  I also love shopping alone and exercising alone.  I think that is why I'm drawn to individual athletic pursuits, like walking, swimming, and yoga.  Yes I know I practice yoga in a studio full of people, but most times I focus on my me and my mat.

So what I'm figuring out is that it is okay to be an introvert but as long as my needs are being met, which means in certain settings I have to be extroverted.  And on the other hand it is okay to indulge my shy, quiet side too.  And after practicing some of my new techniques I feel I'm growing into the person I want to be.