Baby Not

Even before Scott and I tied the knot people have been asking the age old question "So when are you having kids?"  And since that is what mainstream society is doing at our age, it is a normal assumption to think we are.  So we always calmly answer, "We aren't."  After our reply it is rare to hear the question, "Why?"  Instead most people react by saying such things as "oh you'll change your minds", or "don't worry in a few years you'll be pregnant, and having a baby will be the best thing you can do for your marriage."  But hardly does anyone one ask "why?"  It has been my perception that people don't want to know the real reasons as they have already decided them for themselves, and would rather preach about parenthood trying to convert us.  I suspect that a lot of people, excluding my close friends and family, think Scott and I are selfish people, who hate children.  Or that we made this decision as one would choose a bottle of wine or what to eat for dinner.  All of these perceptions are false about us and are for many childfree couples.  For Scott and I, we both love children.  How could I not? I chose teaching as a profession.  We also have two nieces whom we love dearly.  When they lived close by we saw them on a regular basis.

As for making the decision not to be parents, well that took almost a year to decide.  In my early twenty's I will admit that I assumed I'd bear children.  It is what you do as a woman.  At times I think society makes us believe that you aren't a woman unless you give birth to a baby.  So in my first marriage I went along with a lot of social conventions.   Though when that union ended sans bambino, I wasn't sad.  Instead I felt liberated.  When I met Scott we talked about the baby issue almost everyday for a year, going back and forth should we or shouldn't we.  The end result for us was that we didn't want children.  They didn't fit into our life goals.  And the only reasons I could think of to have one were- buying adorable clothes, and fitting in with my circle of friends who were baby bound.  To which, my wise sister informed me that I could buy cute clothes for my nieces and friends' children, and that having a baby to fit in was a bad idea.  She understood that I had no desire for motherhood.  Now don't get me wrong, people who truly feel this burning need to reproduce should have them.  Those are the people who make fine parents.  But all too often there are couples who think a baby is an easy fix for a failing marriage, and of course you have people who are irresponsible and end up having one and later resenting the child.  Those like my "fitting in" theory are bad reasons.

So for those of you who do not know why I don't want a child of my own, I thought I'd give you my top 3 reasons.

1. My Career
As a full time secondary school teacher I come into contact with approx 120 teenagers daily in my classroom.  I think teenagers are awesome and I give 100% of my attention and patience to them.  By the end of the day I am done.  Not only have I taught them, I have parented many, counselled a handful and refereed a few, so by the time I get home I barely have enough energy to give to my loving husband and dog, let alone myself.  I am marvelled by my colleagues who can successfully do both-be a teacher and a parent.  I find I don't have enough in me to be both at the capacity as I'd want to.  So for me, it is clear that I shouldn't.

2. My Passion and Desire
I love spending time with Scott, just the two of us.  We have a great time just relaxing and talking or going on hikes ect.  And from what I have heard and observed, children don't leave you a lot of time with just your partner, which can be a strain on a marriage.  Both having done it before we know marriage isn't easy, so we have chosen to give ourselves the best shot by taking away some stress.  And please don't tell me a baby brings you closer, maybe emotionally, but not physically.

And then there is the other passion in my life: writing.  As I'm trying to complete my first novel, while working full time, it is difficult to find time to write now.  I can't imagine where I'd find the time to fulfill my inherit desire to write with children running around.  As some women having this aching need to have a baby; I feel the same about writing.  It makes me feel whole.

3. Environment
Our planet is quickly becoming over populated, as modern medicine progresses so does the population.  People are living longer and we aren't slowing down in the reproduction end of the spectrum either, therefore more people with less resources to go around.  So it would be irresponsible for me to have a child when I don't have that strong urge to procreate.  Again, I think people who have the urge to have children should satisfy this need.

So next time you meet a person who doesn't want children, instead of telling them they will regret it, just simply ask why with an open mind.  You might be surprised at what you will learn.